My five year old stood at the edge of the pool and stared into it’s crystal waters. His little skinny legs supporting a shivering mass of anxiety. He was shivering, I knew, because he was cold. But I could also sense his fear. What kind of mother am I? I screamed to myself. I just wanted to gather up his little body, encase him in a really big beach towel, and rock him in my lap. That urge was so strong. The swim instructor caught sight of me and told my son to jump. “Show Mommy how you can jump into the pool, don’t worry, I’ll hold you…” and she pointed to me. He stood up and took the jumping stance. He glanced back at me… I held my breath… jump Baby I thought to myself… then he sat down and refused to jump. Even though the instructor promised that she would hold him… even though she was only a couple of feet away from him, he still refused to jump.
The lives that we lead are often like that. Standing on the precipice of the ultimate decision there is a clarity more palpable than those waters my son was going to jump in. We know that decision will somehow change our lives, but like my son, the fear of the unknown paralyzes us. Sometimes we’re not even fully paralyzed, we just want to sit in the spot that we have stopped and plant ourselves there. We don’t want to move on… we don’t want to push past that fear. But many of us are armed with a knowledge my five-year old hasn’t yet been able to learn. That knowledge is that if we do push past the fear, there is something so amazing that will happen in our lives… the beauty of which is unfathomable. If we just jump, just throw our head back and jump and trust that we have enough fortitude and discipline to get us to the next second after the jump… only good can come of it. What is that good? You ask… well it is the fact that we just changed our destiny. We executed a power over our lives that ONLY comes when we push past the fear and the ball of anxiety that usually accompanies fear and let our desire of a newer destiny drive our decision… to jump! My favorite quote of all time by Goethe speaks to this act, he wrote:
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
Just Jump!
When I was about 15, my parents decided that it would be a good time to send me to boarding school.
My parents were concerned with the people who were starting to surround me.
I had skipped two grades, I was an avid reader by the time I was five… and they had instilled in the four kids a politeness that could only be rivaled by the Von Trapp children as they responded to the whistle.
Yet, I was slipping away. By the time I had reached sophomore year – I was cutting classes. Hanging out in the back of the school playing hackey sack with “Da BOYZ”. A group of very Italian-American boys and girls that I had somehow aligned myself with. It was funny though – even within that small circle of friends I stood out like a sore thumb. To my credit, I understood Italian, ate canollis and zeppoles made with secret recipes from the “old Country”, and would yell “Maddone” whenever I couldn’t make someone “capiche”.
The teachers didn’t let up on me. I mean, to their credit… they would come outside and move their way through the haze of smoke and high 1980’s hair and pretty much every day, I would hear “Melisa Emeghebo! Get your butt in class… “They would bypass all the students and make a beeline for me.
My parents must have had them on payroll.
But seriously, I think they knew that I was not supposed to be there. The straw that broke the camel’s back for them when my best friend… someone whom I knew from 1st grade got addicted to cocaine (at the age of 13)…
I did not do drugs… but it was enough to scare my parents.
In addition, my guidance counselor called my parents into his office and told them “you should remove Melisa from Regents and AP classes – it is a waste of your energy and her time – you should put her into the regular classes so that she could be with her friends…”
In their good… and almost magical judgment my parents decided that the best way to preserve what they saw as a child who had a lot of potential was ::drumroll please:: to send her to boarding school in England.
I had NEVER been away from my family. I had no family in England. I just knew that my parents were making the biggest mistake of my life. The first two months that I was there were the hardest two months that I have ever had… even to this day. By the time I got to half-term… I had gotten culture shock so bad that I landed in the infirmary. I stopped eating… and caught pneumonia… in both lungs.
My parents came to visit with my siblings and up until that point… I was not doing well academically. I felt that I didn’t belong there. I was the only American in the whole school. I was the only black girl. I didn’t belong there.
The headmistress called my parents in to her office alone and I sat outside not caring. I wanted to go home anyway.
Then she called ME in to her office to join the conversation and all I heard was blah blah blah blah… blah blah blah…
But in the midst of that… a phrase stood out that really changed the course of my life at that point. She told my parents that “they were wasting their money, my energy… and everyone’s time – they needed to take Melisa back home with them… this week”.
In that moment – something was triggered. I was fifteen, but an almost existential cloud descended on me and I realized that it all came down to commitment.
Yes, the whole process of leaving my country may seem absurd…
yes, the whole process of re-acclimating myself to a whole new system of education may seem like nothing more than futility –
BUT… in that moment of clarity… I realized that I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT LAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS ANTHROPOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT.
I was intrigued by the adventure… the adventure of life… LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE and I was intoxicated with the thought …
no no no… the knowledge that I was just about to not only prove everyone wrong… but I was going to make them ALL eat their words… the guidance counselor, the headmistress, the parents of some of those Italian kids who called me ugly and ignorant, that elementary school teacher who relentlessly picked on me until I ran out of the classroom and hid in the bathroom crying for hours… the priest who held up my 10 year old hands to the entire congregation during First Friday and told the whole congregation that the color of my hands meant that I was unclean and dirty and he would absolutely NOT put the body of Christ in dirty hand or on an unclean tongue… ALL OF THEM…
My eyes narrowed as the headmistress spoke and up until then I had been silent. She turned to me and said with a smile… as if she was my co-conspirator “so what do you think Melisa?” “You can go home with your parents right now.”
My life began at that moment… I hesitated for about two seconds… then I just jumped. I declared to the headmistress in the presence of my parents… that NO… I was not going home… I was instead, going to commit to being the top of the class. It was a bold declaration to make… being the top of the class.
Miss headmistress’ smile quickly evaporated. POOF! Just like that!
I knew I was in for it. But I also knew that I had what it took… I was just going to “do ME.” And in that moment… my life changed. I had just taken the road less traveled. I was embarking on an adventure… the same adventure that all of you sitting in this audience have an opportunity to participate in.
I was committing to playing an active role in my own life. The shackles were off, and I felt liberated. When I left that small school in Oxford, UK… I had not only surprised the faculty… but I surprised myself.
I took the OxBridge Advanced Level Literature exam and ended up with one of the highest marks in the class.
That year… I just jumped… headfirst into a life that I honestly only had imagined up until that point.
I knew that I had it in me…
But I never knew how to access that type of commitment, self-discipline, and passion. I had stepped into my power.
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
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